bubu

i hope you know how much i need you now. there is no reason why i am here typing every letter if not because of you. i need you, i miss you, i long for you every single minute of everyday. i love you, even if you don't say it back to me. i still hope and pray that it would be me. that i am not alone feeling this way. i hope one day everything will go the way that favors us both, no nothing just pure happy. what ever happens, i am still here, do all sort of stuff for you only you. i will carry you all the way to the table to eat, pray before eating, thanking the Lord for the food and bubu. i am the happiest driver everytime you ride with me, hugging me all along the trip. you make me the luckiest when we talk about lives on our space where we are alone. not every one knows how strong you are. and i am here smiling as you tell me your stories. you know i like surprises but i keep them so tightly that it will shock the world we live in. i like keeping you, but i love to tell the world that i have you, we are happy and this is how we are. sweet. happy. love. thank you for being there also, from giving me meds when i am sick. being mad at me when i did not took an opportunity to rest. mad at me when i skip taking meds. mad at me when i worked so hard and i forgot to eat. for bringing me food, with fruits pa, when you think i haven't had enough food over work that day. for kissing me when i get mad with other people's arrogance. for asking a hug and a kiss everytime i missed it. for being there when strangers made prejudices to me which i am not used to. for making happy, even if there are things that needs sacrifices. i am writing this today, because it's been almost one whole day that we are together but never heard from you. i would never want to make you mad at me bubu. please. again, i miss you. everyday.

last entry (?)

if i had to leave today:

i want to let you know that i love you. my love is always true
forgive me from all the mistakes i've done to upset you, to fail you
thank you for everything
live well
live fruitfully
help others in need
do not let bad things to happen to you or to others
don't forget me on my birthday
love your loved ones even more. cherish every moment
family should always comes first

most of all, to anyone who will read this someday. i am always here for you. my concerns still lives within everything around you for you.

this goes to everyone of you.

my head suddenly aches... i can't bear it.

that night with candy

yup, that night when i was drank and sober. when i escape the drinking table just to see facebook and my phone. i told you i have something to tell you. i really want to tell you that but i just can't. it is common that you'll ask me what was it, that you should know, or else you'll get mad at me. i really don't want to tell because i know it's not the right time yet. i am only on an ecstatic setting that everything down to my subconscious are flying out of my mind and out of my mouth. that's a pretty clumsy night. but like i said, i never lie. all of those are all true. but i did not tell you everything. because those things are something you don't want to know. i just said it to content you. what i have said is only a part, but barely half of everything. when you read this, and ask me again, i think i'll just let you get mad and ignore me than telling you what really is.

it is too early to tell. but there are things i'm happy about. i can not stand not talking to you. i can't hold on to grudge for a longer time, and i am vulnerable when i have more alcohol than i can take. you might find it funny and entertaining, but it cost me me everything that i've been keeping since i know you.

well, that night was awesome! thanks

worked

i am afraid it is over now. blogging really works and i am done with this for now. internally i have fixed everything and i can't believe that i am smiling at this moment. i am happy, i got now my pace back.looking forward for tomorrow! thank you blog you absorbed everything from me. keep it first i might want to get it back someday..till then

blangko

wala akong maisip na pwedeng ibahagi. dahil salamat sa yo blog, naiibsan ang nararamdaman at dinadala mo akong muli sa reyalidad. hayaan mo, sa pagkawala ko bukas, mapupunan ulit kita ng mga masasaya (sana) and kwelang kwento mula sa mga adventures ko.

wall paper

ano kaya ang feeling na ang larawan mo ay wall paper ng cellphone, ng desktop at kung ano pa dyan? kasi ginawa na kitang wallpaper. di ko alam..ang alam ko lang, para magsawa ako sa mukha mo at mapalitan na kita. kaso matiisin ako eh, hindi ako nagsasawa. kaya swerte mo.

early monday smile

my mom, asked me to send something thru LBC. when she left, i saw that she left her phone at home. so i hurried out and drove my way to catch her up before she arrives at school. but woah!! it's less than 3 minutes that passed and she's about 2kms away already. nanay, drives fast for a principal. hahaha. so i went back to town to send this folder to lbc.

since lbc is like a second home to me, only with lots of money in it, relax lang ako. madaming nakapila dun. i was a bit surprised dahil daming chicks dun sa lbc conuter. and two of my cousins. since it had been a routine, they already know what i'll do. sabi nila. "mahirap talaga ang maging taga San Roque" she's right, kaya sumagot ako ng "oo nga eh. kaya nga ibabalik namin sa dati". there

these new girls processed my transaction and i thanked them with a smile, in a very deep voice. para pampapogi. gandang umaga!

linya

Sabi nila kasi libre lang mangarap.
Libre ka ba?
Ikaw kasi ang pangarap ko eh

nocturnal

my day always starts at night. kaya kahit malalim na ang gabi hindi parin natatablan ng antok dahil nagsisimula pa lamang ang araw. ngayon, nalaman mo na kung paano ka nagkaroon ng pangalang ganyan, wala na akong iba pang maitatago sayo.

teka teka lang! hindi ko pa rin masabi ng buong buo ang dapat na sasabihin.. kahit blog ko 'to, kahit ako na ang nagsusulat. kahit walang bumabasa nito.

naging makabuluhan ang gabi ko. masayang kwentuhan sa pagitan ng telepono at malikhaing imahinasyon na nagbibigay buhay sa bawat salitang sinasambit. hindi ako umaasa, wala akong ibang nais. kundi ikaw lang. at isang mahimbing na pagpikit ng mga mata na walang iba ang huling nakita kundi ikaw.

sa loob ng puso pilit pinupuno kahit umaapaw na, hindi mapakali, hindi umaakma sa dapat na pinipintig. hindi tumitigil sa pagpintig, pero hindi alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin. kung mga salita lamang ang bawat tibok ng puso, malamang, nauutal na ito. sapagkat may bagong salita na gustong tutunan bigkasin ngunit parang isang dayuhang salita, kayang sambitin, ngunit hindi mawari ang kahulugan.

sa bawat malalalim na katanungang pinapasa, isang sagot na totoo, ngunit maaaring huling sagot depende sa batayan. sa ngayon, kuntento na muna ang lahat sa ganito.. ngunit hanggang kaylaN? hanggang magsawa sa pagiging ganito? ngunit malimit akong magsawa. at sa sitwasyon kasalukuyan. hindi ko ninanais magsawa. ang BIlin ay sana ang bawat kathang isip na nabubuo ay nahahawakan, naririnig, nararamdaman na lahat ay pawang katotohanan na.

anonymously for you

Hindi ko naiintindihan ang nararamdaman.
Maaaring ikaw lang ang may alam. Para kasing gusto kong isigaw, pero di mo naman maririnig, di mo mapapansin dahil meron nang bumubulong sa iyo at merong tumatakip sa pandinig ko. Pero hindi ko rin naiintindi han kung bakit kahit nakapikit, para akong nakadilat at nakatingin lang sayo.. hindi maaari, hindi pwede, siguro, sana hindi sa ngayon, kundi sa susunod na pagkakataon. Sana mali ako, sana ako lang to, dahil magiging napakalaking problema. Akala ko ako ang manghuhuli, ako pala ang nahuli.

suplado

They say so. Ang unang opinion agad na sinasabi nila kapag ako ay nakilala nila. Wala naman akong hinanaing sa kanilang opinion dahil siguro, totoo nga naman na ako ay suplado. Bakit? Kasi sa tuwing may kinakausap akong tao, iniisip ko agad kung ano ang maaaring tinutumbok ng paguusap naming. At likas sa ugali ko na ibahin ang ninanais nilang resulta. Na hindi nila makukuha ang inaasahang kasagutan. Palagay ko doon ako nagiging suplado sa iba. Hindi ko intensyon na makitungo ng hindi maganda, o manakit ng damdamin. Intensyon ko lamang ang maging suplado.

Bakit pa. kasi sabi nila masyado daw akong mabait, magpakita naman daw ako ng kaunting suplado. Ginawa ko naman. Pero di ko alam kung suplado nga akom, at hindi ko rin alam kung mabait nga ako..

Nauubusan na ako ng mga ideya na ibabahagi. Ang damit na ‘to ay produkto ng malalim na pagmumuni muni tungkol dito. Pero gusto ko to. Lalabhan ko muna.

succession

Well, the first of the continuous post entry. The only reason I have to write here is that I don’t have a diary. And besides writing it in here is a indispensable and helpful when reminiscing is a comfort later on. I intended to finally after years of attempting, to finally blog everyday taking back what facebook bribed me before.

May nakausap ako kanina. She said that I am becoming a feeler. Thinking how others feel that favors mine. Sabi ko, alam ko. Pero gusto ko ang feeling. Feeling na feel ko na feel niya rin ako. Huh? Sabi extremist na ako. In what way tanong niya. In this way, kahit na medyo lame and hindi naman extreme and scene para sa kanila pero para sa akin, these things are beyond what I thought I can do. but it satisfies e momentarily, and the abrupt feeling is urging me to make it continuous!.

Ang totoo I don’t know why I am saying this. I know and you should know that there are a lot of things behind this. I just can’t say it. At least not on my first post entry. Maybe not now.

i update

paunang bungad.makailang beses ko ba sinasabi sayo na iuupdate na kita pero ngayon lang ulit kita pupunuan ng mga alaalang maarari kong makalimutan ngunit magugunita pag binasa kitang muli. wala kasi akong mahanap na diary na umaakma sa mga panuntunan ko, maliban pa roon, sadyang mahal ang diary..

diary? oo dahil, masayang magsulat sa diary. pero masaya ding magtype ng mga letters upang gawing makabuluhan ang bawat letra pag pinagsama-sama silang lahat....

this time

this time. it is my fault for making us into this. i get all the mistakes and nothing's wrong with you. it is very hard for me to say that i love you. because i know it is not enough now. i am sorry for all that is happening. but i will always be concerned with you. i want you to be more than happy. i will accept all of your decisions how hurtful it will be. just do everything that can make you smile deep inside. even if it means leaving me and forgetting me, as long as you are happy i will accept it. it will hurt but i will take it. as long as you get what you really could have ever since.

inside, i still have strong feelings for you. you take almost all of my emotions inside me which is entirely who i am. a man filled with emotions. it really hurts me knowing that i am hurting you. i don't know what to do because it is not enough compared from what you did to me. i am sorry that i hurt you. i am sorry that i am not making you happy now. i want to be your source of happiness but now i am giving you hurt. i don't want to make promises now. what ever your decision after these things. i will accept it. as long as it will make you happy.

ang damgo ko kabii

ang panaginip ko kagabi. kagabi ay ang ika tatlong gabi na naginuman kami ng tatay ko at kapatid ko na kami lang. ang tinira ko ay Mucho King ang sa kanila isang lapad ng Tanduay.

nakatulog ako sa kalasingan ng hindi sinasadya. pag sapit ng 2:30 ng umaga kanina, nagising ako bigla dahil sa isang masamang panaginip. hindi ko mawari kung bakit iyon ang napaniginipan ko. bago ako pumikit ulit, sinulat ko sa cellphone ko ang key points na nasa panaginip ko. ginawa ko iyon dahil alam ko na makakalimutan ko iyon kinaumagahan. at ito ang nakasave sa cellphone ko.

leeg. manila day. inagaw. assassination.

dahil dyan naidugtong dugtong ang mga nangyari sa panaginip ko.

ako daw ay isang representative ng Manila. di ko alam kung sa papogian yun.hehe. may mga pinapatay sa Manila sa pamamagitan ng paglaslas sa leeg ng isang kriminal. ang mission pala ng kriminal ay agawin ang pwesto ko bilang representative ng Manila pagsapit ng Manila Day. nagkamali ang assassin ng pinatay kaya nakaligtas ako at ang leeg ko. di ko alam kung bakit ganito ang naging panaginip ko.

test blog entry lang to.

facebook mayhem

nakakahiya mang aminin pero dahil sa facebook hindi na ako nakakablog ulit. bandang huli narealize ko na may limit ang pagexpress ng opinion o ano pa man sa facebook. sa status post, may limit ang characters. pictures, chat at message lang naman ang facebook. people waste their time stalking someone else's profile. stare at their pictures, make gossips from their posts and comments. i felt i just can't express everything on facebook. pero para aadvertise to, kailangan ko pa rin ng facebook.hehe.. susubukan ko na magisip ng pwedeng isulat from this day on.

the rising

i am planning to pursue this blog, my blog from this day on.. i got lots of activities for this month that is worth blogging. and i hope i can still, write back the past achieved goals i've had. hopefully, this is just the jumpstart after quite a year.. damn you facebook.com, but i am going to use you spread my blog out.

read you later

things happen for a reason

Naalala ko noon, nakwento ko na ata ito. Nagkaroon ng vehicular accident ang isang tao. I cleaned her wounds, abrasions and dried blood. She was quite shocked about what had happened. Nung nahimasmasan, nasabi niya na kaya siguro nakaligtas siya sa possible death dahil may mga gagawin pa siguro siya. Sa kakulitan ko, nasabi ko din na worth nga siguro itong pagkasemplang niya. Tiningnan niya ako ng masama at tinanong kung bakit ko naman nasabi yun. Sabi ko kasi sabi niya baka may misyon pa siya sa mundong ito. So okay na iyon.

Later I knew na ang babae pala na iyon ay ala-alalay ng tatay ko, nung bata pa siya. Nadisgrasya din kasi ang tatay ko nung, at nilagyan ng bakal ang paa niya. When he barely do more things, this girl run errands for my dad. The lady was surprised when she knew about this. Then went home after she was discharged.

So what about the darkened line. About a week later, nalaman namin na ang motor na nasemplang niya which was badly wrecked, was withdrawn by the buyer and wants o return it to the distributor. We heard that it can be purchased on our name, siyempre sa mas murang presyo. Kasi kailangan ko ng service papunta sa hospital. Para hindi maabala ang siesta ni tatay. Pinapangako ko sa totoong may-ari ng motor na to na hiniram lang ng babaeng iyon na aalagaan ko ang motor mo.pinsan.hehe

free writing

Medyo pangit ang last 2 weeks ko. But the normal things that I usually do are all the same, no alterations, pare-pareho lang araw-araw. Pinapayat ako ng isang linggong 10-6 shift. Mabuti na lamang wala masyadong ginagawa, mga saksakan lang, disgrasya sa motor at ilang mga panganganak ng mga batang hindi pa dapat manganak. Kahapon, ang last day ng duty ko for this week at mabuti naman wala masyadong problema. Nagkaroon ng bagong nurse, hindi volunteer kasapi ng NARS program ng DOLE, inorient siya at may mga pagkakataong ako din ang nago-orient sa kanya. Magiging Masaya na ngayon kasi may dumagdag sa mga listahan ng mga kikilalanin ko.

Pagkatapos ng duty, niyaya ako ng mga batchmate ko na pumunta sa isang spring resort (malumpati) juts do some bonding. Gusto kong pumunta despite lacking of sleep because I want this kind of socialization. Refreshing the friendship that we have. Some brought great news one has none. He told some not so good realities in his life. But I am glad that he thinks he has moved on.

We don’t need help. Helping someone when you say it’s a Samaritan Help, is not helping to ask for something in return. It is not helping one function perfectly so that you can own it. Hindi naman hinihingi ang tulong mo, bakit mo pinagpipilitang tumulong at our own expense too? And now you are claiming that you have helped?! And parang sa iyo na ang lahat. Letting the people know that everything is because of you. Parang sobra na ata yun. Pero it’s not a surprise knowing you and the folks you have been to.

kristin kreuk naman

mataas siguro ang libido ko.hehe,nanaginip ako that i was with kristin kreuk last night. it's like she's been missing for quite some time yet there is no time for both of us. pero, the details isn't important, it's just that i know how it feels when i was with kristin kreuk..hehe





hindi masyadong toxic sa duty kanina. 3 patients lang naman. then suddenly pag sapit ng 9pm, sunod sunod na ang dating ng mga pasyente. at ang isa ay magiging toxic sana pero hindi na nila tinuloy ang pagpa admit sa hospital.. minsan mahirap isipin na ang personnel has the capabiliy to do the procedures but the hospital requires not to. primary hospital lang kasi.. i understand what the law requires but these people who comes late in the evening would not come if the need for medical help is not urgent. i will just do the best way i can.